Driving Force
by Elizabeth Wilde
Summary: Logan's return could change everything for Scott and Jean
1. Moment of Weakness

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Moment of Weakness"   
Series: Driving Force #1  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Moment of Weakness" by Joan Armatrading.  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Logan's return could change everything for Scott and Jean.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
Notes: You can see the graphic I made for this story at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/momentofweakness.html  
  
I'm not the sort of person   
Who falls in and quickly out of love,  
But to you I gave my affection   
Right from the start.  
  
Logan stared at Jean without reserve. No matter how pretty she looked in his memory, it could never compare to the woman before him, and he'd missed her every second he'd been away. Her clothes were the usual mix of professional and sexy, the knee-length skirt stirred by the slight breeze outside the school. //Love those slits on the skirt...// "Hey."  
  
Coming out of whatever state of shock his sudden appearance had brought on, Jean smiled and stepped closer. Her hair seemed redder, more fiery in the sunlight. "I didn't expect you back so soon."  
  
"Didn't find much." //I couldn't stay away.// "Besides, I missed this place." //I missed you.//  
  
"Look at you..." Jean's hand gently grazed his now-bare cheek.   
  
Without thinking, Logan caught her hand, releasing it a moment later with a shrug. "Like it? I got tired of lookin' like I just got off a drinking binge."  
  
She smiled and let her hand fall back to her side. "You look good."  
  
Trying not to let on how much the compliment meant, Logan replied, "Thanks." Without thinking, he stepped closer. "I missed you."  
  
Jean looked down, a blush creeping over her cheeks. "Logan-"  
  
He lifted her chin with one finger and kissed her, gently at first, unsure of her reaction. For a few seconds, he honestly expected to be slapped senseless. To his surprise, her hands were soon in his hair and she was holding him as close as he was her. The sensation of actually doing what he had imagined so many times was overwhelming: her touch, her scent, her warmth all surrounded him.   
  
And then it was over. Jean stood a few feet away, hand covering her mouth, mumbling something to the effect of "I'm sorry" and backing away. Logan reached out for her, but she disappeared into the school.   
  
//Damn. Knew it couldn't be that easy.//   
  
I have a lover who loves me.   
How could I break such a heart?  
Yet still you get my attention.  
  
Scott slid the auto repair book back into its place on the shelf and glanced out the window, doing a double-take when he saw Jean talking with a familiar man. //I know him from... Logan!//   
  
He felt his chest constrict when he saw Jean's hand reaching out to touch Logan's bare cheek. //Chill out, Scott. It's a perfectly innocent gesture. You trust Jean even if you'd rather blast Logan than have him anywhere near her.// Scott forced back the little voice warning him that he should trust his gut instinct, that nothing involving Logan could ever be innocent. //Why am I watching this? I'm not that insecure, am I? Guess so.//  
  
Suddenly Logan moved closer to Jean. Scott knew with perfect clarity what he intended. //But Jean's gonna stop him.// She remained in place, though Scott could see her glance down at the ground before Logan lifted her chin. //C'mon, Jeannie, stop him.// Before Scott's mind could process the fact that Jean had yet to back away, Logan kissed her. //I'm gonna kill him!// And Jean kissed him back. Scott could see her arms sliding around his neck.   
  
He fell back into the desk chair, almost unable to breathe, heart still to the point of stopping. //She kissed him.// He repeated the phrase over and over silently, not trusting his eyes alone. Finally, Jean did pull away, shaking her head and covering her mouth with her hand. Scott saw her retreating toward the school and rose, jaw set and muscles tight. //Might as well get this over with.//  
  
This old love   
Has me bound  
But new love cuts deep.  
If I choose now  
I'll lose out;  
One of you has to fall  
I need you   
And you.  
  
Jean staggered into the school, mind reeling. She could almost feel Logan's lips on hers, and it wasn't helping anything. Suddenly Jean knew she wasn't alone in the hallway. "Scott!" It came out as more of an exclamation than she'd intended, and she knew her voice was as unsteady as she felt. "What is it?" //Oh, God, he knows.//  
  
"I was at the window."  
  
She felt her breath catch in her throat. "Oh, God... Scott-"  
  
"Don't." Reaching out, he took her left hand and slid off the engagement ring that rested there. "You're free. Do whatever you want." Tears ran from under his ruby-tinted glasses and he turned away.  
  
//Stop standing here like an idiot. You're losing him!// "Scott! Wait!"  
  
He shook his head and hurried down the hall, sending, //Don't, Jean. Not now.//  
  
Jean fled to the first place she thought of, Xavier's office. He was helping certain students with an experiment elsewhere, and she needed to be alone quickly. As soon as she shoved open the door, Jean fell against the nearest wall, letting the door slide shut on its own. //Why did I let this happen?// Tears flowed down her face and she fought to get a grip on her own thoughts. //What am I feeling? Why can I tell everyone else what's happening in their mind and not my own?//   
  
The door clicked open and she jumped with a gasp. Xavier entered the room, brow furrowed. "Jean? What is it? I could feel your distress halfway across the school." Unable to speak, she held out her bare left hand, the pale band of skin where the engagement ring used to be painfully apparent. "I see. What happened?"  
  
Before Jean could answer, the door opened again and Logan stepped inside. Instantly, Xavier's expression became one of understanding, his suspicions confirmed when Jean gazed steadfastly at the carpet beneath her feet rather than look at Logan. "Could you return later? I believe we need a moment."  
  
"Yeah. Sure. I just wanted to make sure Jean's okay."  
  
"She will be." With a tight nod, Logan ducked out again. "I see. I'm not going to ask what happened. I can figure out enough without knowing the specifics." His tone wasn't accusing or angry, merely maddeningly rational. "What do you intend to do?"  
  
"I don't... I... Professor, how am I supposed to decide anything when I can't..." Jean took a deep breath and tried desperately to clear her head. "I just want to be still."  
  
"Perhaps you should gather some things together. There is a room down the far hall that is more or less isolated. Might that help?"  
  
Jean nodded and swallowed past the roughness of her throat. "Yes." //I hope.//  
  
Epilogue  
  
A soft knock at the door pulled Jean out of the light meditative state she'd managed to attain after two hours of controlled breathing and consciously clearing her mind. She rose with a sigh, padding to the door in her socks and long nightshirt. "Who is it?"  
  
"Me."  
  
//Logan. Shit.// Jean opened the door just enough to look through the crack. "Look, this isn't-"  
  
"Yeah." He nodded his agreement. "Just wanted to say... just..." Jean had never seen Logan look nervous before and never so uncomfortable. His hazel eyes finally lifted to hers. "I just want you to know it's more than just the kiss, alright? But whatever you decide, if you decide, it doesn't change the way I feel." Nodding as if to confirm his own statement, Logan walked away without another word.   
  
Jean closed the door, face blank, and went back to bed.  
  
  
  
  



	2. Gathering Clouds

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Gathering Clouds"   
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Like the Weather" by 10,000 Maniacs.  
'Ship: none  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Jean tries to decide between Scott and Logan.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
Notes: You can see the graphic I made for this story at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/gatheringclouds.html  
  
The color of the sky as far as I can see is coal gray.   
Lift my head from the pillow and then fall again.   
With a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.   
A quiver in my lips as if I might cry.   
  
It's daytime, but it still looks dark in my little room down the hall. It's something like my other room. Our other room. But it's smaller. And colder. Or maybe that's my imagination. I can't tell anymore.  
  
It's almost funny how surreal everything is. I sat at the window with the curtain pulled back today and watched the rain for the better part of four hours. Usually I love rainy days. I remember dragging Scott outside after we first started dating and making him walk with me in the rain. I made it worth his while later that evening. For a time while I watched the rain, it seemed that day hadn't been so long ago. It was years, though, really.  
  
I wonder how long I've been sitting in this room, trying to think, to not think, to remember, to forget. It can't be more than a day or two. Or maybe a week. Everything is fuzzy, hazy like the clouds outside. Gray.  
  
I hear the sound of a noon bell chime.   
Now I'm far behind.   
You've put in 'bout half a day   
While here I lie   
With a shiver in my bones just thinking about the weather.   
A quiver in my lip as if I might cry,   
"What a cold and rainy day. Where on earth is the sun hid away?"   
  
I can hear the school bells sometimes. I know when classes end, can almost hear the sound of feet trampling over antique rugs and up and down varnished stairs. That gives me some idea of time. But not much. The minute the sounds are gone, I forget. Or I remember something else.  
  
A clap of thunder rings out and I jump, despite having watched the flash of lightening shoot down only moments before. And thunder always follows lightening. Cause and effect. I remember the first time I tried to treat Logan, remember the way my heart pounded in my chest when he sprang from the table, ready to attack. He apologized later, and even though it might have seemed brief or insincere to someone else, I could tell he meant it. Logan rarely says anything he doesn't mean.   
  
"I just want you to know it's more than just the kiss, alright? But whatever you decide, if you decide, it doesn't change the way I feel."  
  
I rub the back of my arms with my hands and try to force his words from my mind, at least for now. They just make it harder to think. At least the room isn't as cold now. Maybe the rain will stop too.  
  
Do I need someone here to scold me   
Or do I need someone who'll grab and pull me out of this four poster dull torpor pulling downward.   
For it is such a long time since my better days.   
I say my prayers nightly this will pass away.   
  
Back in bed again. Not sleeping. I actually can't remember the last time I slept. Maybe I haven't. Maybe I should. But I doubt I can. I can't get my mind to be quiet long enough to relax, to let sleep come.   
  
Of course, the thinking itself is even harder than the trying not to think. It hurts more. I wish I could be removed from it all. Not just down the hall from everything and everyone but outside it, beyond it, above it. No longer part of life. At least not of my life. I have a decision to make, and I can't even begin to make it.  
  
How do I choose between the man I've loved for years and the man I'm falling in love with? God, I didn't even realize that until I thought it. I am falling for him. Dammit. That's why I try not to think. It just makes things worse. I roll over, close my eyes, and pray for sleep. I need it to stop, at least for a little while.  
  
I shiver, quiver, and try to wake.   
  



	3. Not Gone

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Not Gone"   
Series: Driving Force #3  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Can't Be Really Gone" by Tim McGraw.  
'Ship: none (mention of Jean/Scott)  
Classification: angst/vignette  
Summary: Scott worries that Jean might not be coming back.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
I don't know when she'll come back  
She must intend to come back...  
Just look around the room  
So much of her remains...  
So, she can't be really gone.  
~Tim McGraw "Can't Be Really Gone"  
  
Scott leaned against the pillows propped up on the headboard of the bed and sighed. //She's been gone for three days, locked up in that damn room.// He knew better than to go to her, to try to convince her she belonged back in their room, back with him. //After all, I was the one who took back the damn engagement ring.// The ring sat glistening on her nightstand beside a half-finished book. //She has to come back.//  
  
Scott's own half-finished book lay open on his lap, all but forgotten. Any attempt at doing anything but think about Jean failed more often than not. //What if she doesn't come back? If I'm this bad after three days, how would I survive a week? A month?// The concept of years was too horrible to contemplate.  
  
"She'll come back," he assured the still room. "She has to."  
  
Truthfully, he was less than convinced. //I can't let myself think that way! Why would she stay with me for all these years if she didn't love me?// He threw the book to the floor in a sudden surge of anger. //Logan wasn't here before. That's the difference. Damn him!//  
  
Scott took a deep breath and closed his eyes. //It's not Logan's fault. I don't see how anyone could keep from falling in love with her. But he didn't have to kiss her. And she didn't have to like it.// Tears threatened again, and he fought them. //Self-pity is a little premature. I hope. God, I hope.//  
  
Turning off the light and laying the pillows down again, Scott closed his eyes and prepared for another night of pretending to sleep.  



	4. Waiting

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Waiting  
Series: Driving Force #4  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "Hands are Tied" by Gin Blossoms, so don't sue, k? I promise they'll be returned when I'm done with them.  
'Ship: none  
Classification: angst/vignette  
Summary: Logan ponders his connection to Jean and wonders about her decision.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com if you know what's good for you!  
  
I've been waiting around all night  
Your warm kiss is on my mind  
A piece of you is all I've got  
But the whole damn thing is what I want  
I've been waiting around here all night long  
Holding on to these memories until they come undone  
My hands are tied...  
  
My nerves are frayed and I've had enough  
I'm a lot afraid that it'll hurt too much  
  
Maybe I shouldn't have gone to see Jean that first night, but I had to talk to her. It wouldn't've done to have 'er think I just wanted her. I do want her. But I need her too. More than that, I love her.   
  
I can't remember feeling for anyone the way I feel about her. I probably have. Or maybe not. I can't imagine anybody else, any other woman, getting under my skin like this, making me feel like this. It's not something I can put my finger on, either. It's some nebulous, amazing force that makes Jean stronger, smarter, more beautiful than any other woman alive or dead.   
  
Scares me knowin' I can finally identify with Scooter about somethin'. I just wish we didn't feel the same way about the same girl. It's tearin' her apart, and I know that's mostly my fault. I could've stayed away and maybe she would've forgotten about me eventually. Her and Scott could've gotten married and been happy and never thought about me again. They'd been happy so far, no reason they wouldn't have stayed that way.   
  
Life's never that simple.  
  
I couldn't stay away from her, so I came back. I couldn't keep my hands off of her, so I kissed her. And she kissed me back. And now everything's torn apart and turned upside-down.   
  
I caught Professor Xavier studying me like I was a bug under a microscope the other day in the cafeteria. He was staring straight through me, and it didn't have a damn thing to do with psychic powers. Strange thing is, I didn't get any sense that he was mad at me or even upset. He was just... curious, I guess. Weird. But he ain't the kinda guy I'd wanna have mad at me, so that works out pretty well. I guess he can't figure out why Jean might want me anymore than I can.  
  
So it's all up to the woman I love to weight it all out and see whose heart she wants to break. I wish there was a way I could take the burden off of Jeannie's shoulders so she could leave that damn little room and live her life, but I know she's the only one who can decide what she wants-who she wants.  
  
So we wait.  



	5. Driving Force

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Driving Force"  
Series: Driving Force #5  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Even Angels Fall" by Jessica Riddle.  
'Ship: Jean/Logan  
Classification: angst/romance  
Summary: Jean finally makes a choice.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
Notes: You can see the graphic I made for this story at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/drivingforce.html  
  
You found hope, you found faith,  
Found how fast she could take it away.  
Found true love, but lost your heart.  
Now you don't know who you are.  
  
I think I should have seen it coming. If I'd ever had a chance, I think it would have come immediately. After so many years, it shouldn't have been a gut-wrenching choice for her. I should have been a shoe-in. At least I thought so.  
  
When I went to the door, I didn't expect to find Jean standing there. She looked a little tired, but she had dressed and combed her hair, and I thought she looked gorgeous, especially after not seeing her for almost a week. I wanted to hold her so much I'm surprised I managed to stay still, to wait for her to make the first move.  
  
She sort of smiled. A little, sad, half-smile. "I... I have to try. I can't live the rest of my life not knowing. It wouldn't be fair."  
  
So I knew. I staggered a step back before I realized I had done it and caught myself by grabbing the door. It felt like she had smacked me in the chest with an anvil. But she can't mean it! my heart screamed. "Jean, are-"  
  
"Yes. I'll... I'll see you," she finished, wincing at how hollow the words were. Or maybe it hurt her as much as it hurt me. Maybe she could still feel me through our bond. Maybe I'll never get a chance to ask.  
  
"Oh." I shut the door. What else could I do? Certainly, I couldn't stand there and look into her eyes. I would've lost my tenuous control over my emotions if I had. As it was, my hands were shaking as I walked away from the door.  
  
How could she love someone else, want someone else? I never can. I never will.   
  
You laugh, you cry, no one knows why,  
But oh, the thrill of it all.  
You're on the ride,  
You might as well open your eyes.  
  
She picked me. Damned if I thought I had a chance. I knew I wanted one. I knew I would've given anything to have her as close again as she was that day. But I really thought I'd lose out to Scooter like usual. I mean, they're all bonded and everything. Figured that'd tip the scales his way.  
  
Guess I got under her skin as much as she got under mine. There were tears on her cheeks when I saw her coming down the hall toward me. Seemed like a bad sign.  
  
"I just... I went to Scott..." she had started cryin' again by then. "I told him that you and I deserve a chance." I must've looked as ridiculously stunned as I felt, because my expression managed to make her smile. "You still want to try?"  
  
"God, Jeannie, there isn't anything I want more." Sappy. Yeah. I know. But I wanted to be honest with her. I don't think I could lie to Jean if I tried, all psychic powers aside. "You sure?"  
  
"I'm sure." She was smiling for real by then, and it felt like some light that had always been turned off in my head suddenly snapped on.   
  
I laughed and grabbed her, makin' myself by gentle. Wouldn't've done to crack her ribs or somethin'. "You aren't gonna regret it."  
  
I felt her laugh against my chest. There was somethin' sad about that laugh. "I hope not." She won't ever be sad again if I have anything to do with it.   
  
You will fly and you will crawl.  
God knows even angels fall.  
No such thing as you've lost it all.  
God knows even angels fall.  
Even angels fall.  
Even angels fall.   
  
I couldn't deny the thrill at having Logan's arms wrapped around me and knowing that it was alright. There was nothing wrong about it. I ran my hand along his cheek again. "Grow it back."  
  
He arched an eyebrow at me, smiling. "You kiddin'?"  
  
"No. I miss it. It was sexy."  
  
He laughed then, and I realized it was the first time I'd ever seen him laugh. I liked it. I liked the way the corners of his eyes crinkled and his chest rumbled. "Whatever you want, Jeannie. No more shavin' for me."  
  
"Good." I stepped back then, away from him. "This isn't going to be easy, Logan."  
  
His expression sobered immediately. "Never thought it would be. But some of the hardest things are the most worth it. 'Sides, I thought X-Men were all about challenging what people think?"  
  
"Suppose you're right." Behind my smile, I could still feel pain. I'm still not sure if the pain is mine or Scott's. Or both. I don't think he'll be out of my head or my heart anytime soon. Maybe not ever.   
  
"Of course I'm right. It may not happen a lot, but when it does..." Logan was smiling again, one hand gently playing with my hair. "We deserve a shot."  
  
Turning my head, I kissed his hand. "Yes, we do."   
  
But it isn't going to be easy.   



	6. Survival

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Survival"   
Series: Driving Force #6  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "I Will Not Forget You" by Sarah McLachlan.  
'Ship: Logan/Jean   
Classification: angst/vignette  
Summary: Scott contemplates Jean's blossoming relationship with Logan.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
I will, oh, I will not forget you,  
Nor will I ever let you go.  
I will, oh, I will not forget you.  
  
The one thing I manage to comfort myself with is that they haven't slept together. As it is, I can feel Jean's every shift in mood during the day, during the night. She's been sleeping alone. Crying herself to sleep sometimes. And I can feel it all. I guess our bond hasn't dissolved despite the fact that we aren't together anymore. It scares me that I know it will eventually fade. I cling to it like a lifeline. I dread losing that last little bit of her. I don't know if I can survive that.  
  
I finally made myself go to breakfast with everyone else yesterday. I smiled at the Professor and sat across from Orroro. She gave me one of those sweet, proud smiles, and I honestly did feel a little better. It's good to have friends when you're trying to hang on to your sanity. I only made the mistake of glancing toward Jean once. She was watching me, her eyes full of so much pain that I couldn't hold the contact. It's somehow worse for me when I think that she's hurting too. Maybe I should be happy that she feels bad about walking away from me, but, in all honesty, I just want her to be happy.  
  
Of course, she is happy a lot of the time. I keep catching the two of them together. I try to avoid the both of them at all costs, but the school isn't big enough to manage it all the time. I saw them sitting outside the other day, his arm around her waist, her head on his shoulder. They were laughing at some shared joke. Feeling sick to my stomach, I had cancelled my last class of the day and gone back to my room to finish the day in quiet darkness.  
  
I'm starting to realize how foolish it is to hold out any hope of ever having her again. Obviously, she's made her choice. And she's more or less satisfied with it. She's fine. She'll get even better. They're falling in love.  
  
And I don't know how I'm going to live through it.  



	7. Jealous Guy

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Jealous Guy"   
Series: Driving Force #7  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Jealous Guy" by John Lennon.  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott tries to adjust to living without Jean.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: the movie  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
I was dreaming of the past  
And my heart was beating fast  
I began to lose control  
I began to lose control  
  
I wish I could dream about her every night. It's the only time I can still hold Jean, talk to her. When we're awake, I can barely even glance at her. It hurts her to see me, and it kills me not to be with her, so we avoid each other. Mostly, I avoid her. And Logan.   
  
The funny thing is, Logan has been more polite to me since... He's been almost civil. I mean, he's not starting me a fan club or anything, but I think he feels a little... not guilty, exactly. I think he pities me. He's glad he's not in my shoes.   
  
Luckily, he avoids me most of the time like I do him. I can't stand all the second-guessing seeing him causes. Is it all that hair? His anti-social personality? The way he watches everyone like they're about to attack him? Or is it even him? Was there something wrong with me? Am I boring? Too controlled? Should I change my hair?  
  
I drive myself half-crazy sometimes wondering what made her leave.  
  
I was feeling insecure  
You might not love me anymore  
I was shivering inside  
I was shivering inside  
  
The worst part is that I felt her drawing away after the first time Logan was here. It wasn't anything I could put my finger on. But maybe she didn't smile as much. Maybe I pulled back too. It hurt knowing she'd even found Logan attractive. Even just a little.   
  
When he was hurt after Rogue drained his powers and Jean spent night and day in the infirmary, it was all I could do to convince myself she was a doctor and he was her patient and it made perfect sense for her to be there. All the time. Alone with him. Professor Xavier noticed my jealousy, of course, and called me on it. "Scott, she loves you, has loved you for years. Trust her."  
  
The day after she left me officially, I was angry. I wanted to burst into the Professor's office and scream and rail, to throw his words back in his face and make him see that I had been right all along. But I didn't. I knew he already felt my pain, that he already felt sorry. If I had taken my anger out on him, I would only have been cutting off one of the few friends I have left.  
  
I already lost my best friend to a man I hate.  
  
I was trying to catch your eye  
Thought that you was trying to hide  
I was swallowing my pain  
I was swallowing my pain  
  
"Jean?" She turned around slowly, as if every muscle had to be convinced in turn that it was safe. Her eyes were dark, unreadable, but I could feel her apprehension. "Can we at least talk to each other? It's driving me crazy." I knew I sounded pitiful. I knew I was on the verge of begging.  
  
"Of course. We can talk." I don't know if I've ever heard anyone sound less convinced of anything.   
  
I stepped closer, then back again when I caught a flash of discomfort from Jean. It was a slap in the face that I couldn't get close to her. "We were always friends, weren't we? Even before we were together." "Were together." Past tense. God. "Can't we be again? Please."  
  
There were tears in her eyes by then, and I could see resignation in her posture. "Of course, Scott. I... I always want us to be friends. I don't like losing you."  
  
That was the first time I really saw how much she hated being away from me. I knew it had hurt her to leave, but it had never occurred to me that she might really miss me. "Then don't." I forced a smile. It hurt to smile. Especially to smile at Jean. I held out my hand.   
  
She took it briefly, as if it hurt to hold on too long. "Friends."  
  
I almost choked on the word. "Friends."   
  



	8. Sleepless

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Sleepless"   
Series: Driving Force #8  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue!   
'Ship: none (mention of Logan/Jean)   
Classification: angst/vignette  
Summary: Orroro talks to Scott when he has trouble sleeping.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
"Scott?" Ororo Munroe peered into the dark library, eyes barely able to make out the form sitting at one of the long tables. The glow from behind his glasses was unmistakable, however. "What are you doing in here in the middle of the night?"  
  
He shrugged, clicking on a light in the middle of the table. "Couldn't sleep. I thought maybe... It seemed like it might be quieter here."  
  
"Quieter? It's almost two in the morning. The whole school is quiet," she protested, sitting down across from her friend.  
  
"Not the whole school," Scott muttered below his breath. "This just seemed like the place to go. I like the way the books smell."  
  
The white-haired woman smiled fondly. "Me too. The Professor's office smells like books too. It's... comforting."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Her expression grew more serious. "Please, tell me what's wrong."  
  
Scott shifted uneasily in his seat, head down. "It's... uh... I could hear... feel... uh..."  
  
Suddenly Ororo's eyes widened. "Goddess, I'm sorry! I should have... oh..."  
  
He shook his head. "You didn't know. Hell, I wish I didn't know. I mean, it's been three months. I thought the bond was getting weaker, then tonight..." his words trailed off, leaving behind a painful silence.  
  
Ororo covered his hands with hers. "I'm sorry, my friend. It's hard enough for you without this." She bit her lip and searched for something, anything, that might be of comfort. "It will probably fade in time."  
  
Scott nodded, not questioning whether she meant his bond with Jean or Jean's relationship with Logan. "Yeah. Probably." He managed a weak smile. "Thanks, Ro."  
  
"Anytime." She clasped his hands tighter for a moment, then stood. "Go back to bed. You need sleep."  
  
"Yeah, sure. I'll go in a few minutes."  
  
Ororo nodded, then walked out of the room. Scott clicked off the light, plunging the room into darkness again.  



	9. Running

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Running"  
Series: Driving Force #9  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "When She Wakes Up (And Finds Me Gone)" by Tim McGraw.  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Unable to stand being around Jean anymore, Scott leaves the mansion.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
A note of things I should've said  
Lays beside her sleeping head  
As I turn and make my way off in the night  
By the time the morning's breaking  
My heart still will be aching  
Every time I think of what I've left behind  
  
I stayed in my room most of the day writing the note. I must've gone through a thousand drafts. Every time, it didn't seem like enough. Or it seemed like too much. It's going to hurt her, but I don't want it to hurt too much. I don't want it to hurt her like it hurts me. I can feel my heart breaking with every word.  
  
I have to leave. I can't think of any way to stand being here any longer without her. I know I was the one who said we should be friends, but I need her too much. It kills me to be with her and not hold her. I need to be far enough away that I can't turn back and go home. Where that is, I don't know.   
  
Since I can't just tell her all the things I need to say, I wrote them, pouring my love into a note instead of her eyes. It's probably a cold way to leave her, but anything else would be impossible. I can't look in her eyes and then leave.  
  
I finally finished the note, folded it, wrote her name on the outside. I slipped into her new room quietly. When I saw Logan there, sleeping with his arm around her waist, I knew it wouldn't be as easy as I'd hoped to leave unnoticed, but I put the note beside her head on the pillow and brushed back a strand of her hair anyway. I needed that much if I was never going to see her again.  
  
'Cause I don't want to see me leaving in her eyes  
And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry  
And I don't know a right way I can do her wrong  
So I don't want to be here in the morning  
When she wakes up and finds me gone  
  
I don't guess he expected me to follow 'im, but I did. He goes into Jean's room in the middle of the night with some note and expects me to just let him go? Uh-uh. Doesn't work that way.  
  
"Where you goin'?"  
  
Scooter looked at me like he'd rather pull out his own toenails than talk to me. "I don't know. I need to leave."  
  
I growled without even thinking about it, and he took a step back. "You know how much this is gonna hurt Jeannie, don't you?"  
  
"Yeah." That's when I noticed that there were tears runnin' down his face. Damned if it wasn't one of the saddest things I ever remember seein'. "Look, Logan, I know. I just can't stay."  
  
Funny thing is, I could understand. I think if I were in his place, I'd do the same thing. Hell, I more or less did the same thing. But I couldn't stay away from her, and I came back. He will too. I tried to soften my tone. "Yeah. Just don't be too long."  
  
He seemed confused for a minute, then nodded. "Okay." And he walked away. It's either the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do or the stupidest. I can't quite decide which.  
  
It hurts to know how much she'll hurt   
I've told myself things could be worse  
And I've convinced myself she's better off this way  
By the time she finds I'm gone  
I'll be a long, long way from home  
When she reads a note of things I couldn't say  
  
//Jean,  
  
This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Having my eyes taped shut for two months and living in fear of myself is nothing compared to how scary it is to live without you, without your love.   
  
I'm leaving the school. I left the Professor a note too. I guess I'm too chicken to tell either of you in person. I don't want to hurt you. I know I am. I'm sorry.  
  
I love you. I will always love you. I don't care how far apart we are or how much we change or whether we even ever see each other again, I'll love you until the day I die. Probably after too. Finding you was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Having you love me was better than I ever could've hoped.  
  
I wish it would have worked, but I do understand, maybe not fully, but enough. I hope that someday you'll forgive me for doing this; there's just no other way.  
  
All my love,  
Scott//  
  
Lord I don't want to be here in the morning  
When she wakes up and finds me gone  



	10. Repercussions

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Repercussions"  
Series: Driving Force #10  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Ain't No Way to Go" by Brooks & Dunn.  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst/romance  
Summary: Jean tries to deal with Scott's departure.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
Don't you think that I deserve  
To hear you say goodbye?  
That ain't no way to go  
Was it all a lie?  
After all this time that ain't no way to go.  
~Brooks & Dunn "Ain't No Way to Go"  
  
Logan heard a dull thud from inside Jean's room and rushed inside, noting the large book on the floor and a new dent in the wall. He turned to Jean, eyebrow raised. "Not your favorite book, I take it?"  
  
Jean forced a smile. "Not really." She sighed and her whole form seemed to sag. "God, Logan, how could he just leave like that? Without even saying good-bye!"  
  
"He didn't know how to say it, darlin'," Logan replied, sitting down on the bed beside her and wrapping his arm around her shoulders.   
  
Jean pulled back and looked at the man beside her with obvious shock. "Did I just hear you defend Scott?"  
  
He shrugged. "Don't expect me to make a habit of it. This time... I can see it, why he left. I did it too."  
  
"Yeah, you did. That was different, though. Scott..."  
  
"Yeah. He's Scott."  
  
"Yeah." Her fist pounded gently onto Logan's leg. "Why did you let him leave? Why didn't you stop him?"  
  
"Because it's not my business to tell Scooter what he should do with his life," Logan replied bluntly. "Plus, I ain't exactly the right guy to go to for sermonizing. Guess I could've warned him he was turnin' into me," he finished, hoping the joke, lame though it was, would lighten the mood.  
  
It didn't. Jean shook her head. "I'm sorry. It's... I'm not mad at you. Or him. I'm mad at myself. He wouldn't have left otherwise, would he? If I..."  
  
"Look, if you're gonna take the blame, I gotta pull at least half of it off your shoulders. This whole situation took the both of us," he reminded his lover softly. "Don't beat yourself up, Jeannie."  
  
"I just miss him," she admitted. "We haven't talked or seen each other much the past few months, but..." her voice faltered.  
  
"But that doesn't mean you don't love him."  
  
"Logan, I-"  
  
"Don't worry 'bout it, darlin'. I hear most people have lotsa love to go around. Just tough old bastards like me that have trouble with it."  
  
This time he received a smile and a small laugh for his efforts. "Stop it! I'm trying to be upset."  
  
"You should be putting more effort into it, then."  
  
Jean wrapped her arms around Logan's chest and rested her forehead against his neck. "Thanks."  
  
"Don't mention it, Jeannie. I just want you to be happy."  



	11. Faded

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: "Faded"  
Series: Driving Force #11  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men, unfortunately. I'd really love to own Scott. But for now I'm just borrowing them, so don't sue! I also don't own the song "Broadway" by Goo Goo Dolls.  
'Ship: none (mention of Logan/Jean)  
Classification: angst   
Summary: Scott sits in a New York City bar and contemplates his situation.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com please  
  
Broadway is dark tonight  
A little bit weaker than you used to be  
Broadway is dark tonight  
See the young man sitting  
In the old man's bar  
Waiting for his turn to die.  
~Goo Goo Dolls "Broadway"  
  
The constant hazy smoke in the bar had long ago moved Scott's headache up to a migraine. His head pounded with every beat of the tinny-sounding jukebox. A half-finished beer, his first and last of the night, sat on the counter in front of him.   
  
The bartender threw an annoyed glance in the young man's direction and groused, "You gonna drink that or just memorize the label?" Receiving no reply, he mumbled something about Scott being a "cheap bastard" and turned away to attend more serious patrons.   
  
It didn't really matter to Scott whether the bartender hated him or not. //By tomorrow, I'll either be in another bar or another city.// For almost a month, New York City had provided refuge, an easy place to get lost in the crowd. No one gave a second glance to the morose young man with red sunglasses. Scott sighed. He needed to be further away. It was still tempting to return to Westchester.   
  
A skinny woman-almost a girl-with long, stringy bleached-blond hair and too much make-up even in the dim light sat down at the bar next to Scott and offered her best approximation of a sultry smile. "Hey, there. You look like you could use some cheering up."  
  
Scott gave her a sideways glance, then stared resolutely at his beer. "No thanks."  
  
"Aw, c'mon, it won't cost you much."   
  
Her hand moved to his thigh, sliding higher and higher until Scott caught her wrist. "I'm not interested, okay?"  
  
The woman jerked her hand away, obviously angry. "Fuck you, loser," she hissed before stalking over to another man on the other end of the bar.  
  
//Can't even have a civil conversation with a hooker,// he half-joked to himself. His gaze scanned the bar. The people inside were no different than the people he had seen in any other bar, and most of them were there for more or less the same reason he was: to forget, to be forgotten, to get lost in the shadows.  
  
A few odd jobs here and there plus a lifetime of savings kept Scott in cheap food and scuzzy motels with little trouble. //Is this really the way I want to live my life? Do I want to run forever? Of course, even if I don't, I can't go back to the only real home I've ever had.// Returning to the school wasn't an option, and his parents had certainly pushed thoughts of him as far from their minds as possible. He was a freak, an embarrassment, a blight on their flawless social record.   
  
At first after he left, he held some sort of bizarre hope that someone would come after him, beg him to come home. But weeks passed and no one came. He still regretted having had to face Logan before leaving. The lack of reproach in the other man's eyes still weighed on him. //Logan, of all people, is probably the only one who understands. He did the same damn thing. Fuck.//  
  
Unable to take sitting quietly anymore, Scott put his money down on the counter and shuffled quickly out of the bar. The air outside was only marginally cleaner, and his lungs protested the change for the thousandth time. After spending so many years in the clean country atmosphere of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, his body and mind were ill prepared to face city life. //But where else could I be just another person?//  
  
//Not that I need to hide. No one is looking. The professor could find me anytime he wanted. But he hasn't. And he won't.// Scott kicked an empty can into a ditch and watched the dirty sidewalk as he headed back to his motel. //And I can't go back on my own. What does the fearless leader of the X-Men do when challenged with adversity?// Scott thought bitterly. //He runs.//  



	12. The End v1.0

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: The End v1.0  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men or the song "I Didn't Ask and She Didn't Say" by Tim McGraw. Don't sue, please! I don't have anything worth taking!  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott and Jean meet in a New York City airport after almost ten years apart.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@Yahoo.com if you really love me  
  
~Staring up at the screen, all flights were delayed  
When a voice from behind me asked,  
"Stranger, how have you been?"  
I was caught off guard when I saw her face  
Stumbled my way through an awkward embrace  
Yet somehow I managed to say, "Good to see you again."  
We caught up on old friends  
Caught up on old times  
But all through the small talk, it kept burning through my mind  
  
Does she think about the nights we spent on Crystal Lake  
Wrapped up in a blanket 'til the break of day  
So many times I've wondered does she think of me that way?  
I didn't ask and she didn't say~  
  
"Hey, stranger."  
  
Scott started and turned as the voice came from behind him, a voice he hadn't heard for years anywhere but in dreams. Seeing Jean again in the flesh made his breath catch in his throat. He could feel the sting of tears in his eyes at the sight of her tentative smile. Her arms were held out hesitantly, and Scott stepped forward, clasping her against him for the briefest of moments. It hurt too much, and he let go almost at once. Holding her felt too perfect. "Good to see you."  
  
She nodded and half-smiled. "We missed you."  
  
Finding his voice with an effort, Scott asked, "What are you doing here?" An airport in New York City certainly wasn't the place he had imagined running into his lost love again.  
  
"There's a medical conference the professor wants me to attend in California," she explained. "Where are you headed?" There was a reluctance in the question, as if she didn't really expect any response and thus saw no point in the charade of asking at all.  
  
"Texas."  
  
Jean's eyebrows went up. "Texas?"  
  
He nodded. "It seemed as good a place as any." Making small talk with someone he had once planned to spend his life with seemed ludicrous.  
  
She nodded as well. "I guess so."  
  
"So, how is everyone?" Scott wanted to talk about anyone, about anything, but himself.  
  
"Professor Xavier had a heart attack last year, but it was mild. He's completely recovered," she added quickly at the sudden expression of worry and fear on Scott's face. "We're taking good care of him. Rogue and Bobby have both joined the team. Rogue got some new powers awhile back. It's a long story, but she's dealing with it beautifully. And she's found herself a boyfriend: Remy-Gambit-another student. He came after..." the words trailed away and Jean cleared her throat.   
  
"Storm's been leading us. She's wonderful. I always knew she was smart enough, strong enough, but I never knew she had so much drive. It's amazing. You should see her." Jean stopped, avoiding mention of perhaps the most obvious person to discuss.  
  
Scott caught the dodge. "How's Logan?"   
  
There was a trace of bitterness behind the words, but Jean tried to ignore it. "He's good." Her right hand unconsciously moved to the ring on her left hand, a plain silver band that caught the yellow light in the airport and reflected it.  
  
Scott blinked, then stared. It was unmistakably a wedding band. He could feel his chest tighten and had to swallow several times before choking out, "Congratulations, Jean, to both of you."  
  
Her cheeks burned red, from embarrassment or shame, Scott couldn't be sure. "Thank you. I'll tell Logan."  
  
An uncomfortable silence stretched between them, echoing in the years spent apart and the emotional miles they'd racked up.  
  
~We said our good-byes, swore we'd stay in touch  
Then we went our separate ways, knowing no one does  
  
But I couldn't help but wonder as I walked away  
If things had turned out different where would we be today?  
So many times I've wondered does she think of me that way  
I didn't ask and she didn't say~  
  
"I have to go. My flight," Scott explained, knowing as well as she did that his flight wouldn't leave for at least another hour with the delays.  
  
"Me too." Jean watched the floor for a moment, then looked back up. "Could you write when you get there? Or call? I don't want to... I'd like to stay in touch."  
  
"Sure. I'll write." The words were hollow, and they both knew it was likely the last time they'd ever be face to face. "Good-bye, Jean." Again, Scott found himself wrestling tears.  
  
"Good-bye, Scott." There were tears in her eyes as well, and a strange catch in her quiet voice. "Take care of yourself."  
  
"You too." He turned and started walking. If he stayed another moment, he knew he would be on his knees begging her to give him a second chance. Despite the pride and self-respect he had lost in his years away from the mansion, Scott had no intention of doing to Logan what Logan had to done to him.   
  
As soon as he was far enough away that there was no chance of Jean following, Scott slumped into one of the padded seats and let the tears fall, mourning a love he'd lost almost a decade before.  



	13. Call Me 1.1

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Call Me 1.1  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men or the song "Call Me" by The Rembrandts. Don't sue, please! I don't have anything worth taking!  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott returns to the school after three years.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@Yahoo.com if you really love me  
  
We both know you and I have been through harder times,  
But now your silence seems a very different kind  
It feels like I've been dyin' just to hear your voice again.  
  
After Jean's return from the conference in California, Logan noted a strange melancholy in his wife. She smiled less and seemed distracted most of the time. When he finally broke down and pulled the story out of her, it was all Logan could do not to go charging off to Texas to drag Scott back to the mansion. Anything that hurt Jean hurt him, and Scott's departure had done that and then some.  
  
"Do you think he'll ever call?" she asked softly that night, voice asking for hope she couldn't feel.  
  
As much as he wanted to comfort Jean, Logan knew better than to even attempt a lie. "I dunno, darlin'. We'll just have to wait and see."  
  
"Wait," Jean echoed hollowly.   
  
In his heart, Logan knew Jean loved him. Still, they never shared the sort of bond she'd had with Scott, and losing him and their connection weighed on her. "It's gonna work out. I promise."  
  
Her mood lifted a bit then and she turned to lay her head on Logan's chest. "I know it will." He could feel her smile even through he couldn't see it. "Thanks."  
  
"Anytime, Jeannie" But Logan knew it wasn't his assurance she wanted.   
  
Call me, call me; can't you hear me cryin'?  
Call me, call me; please don't leave me hanging on.  
  
"Starin' at it ain't gonna make it ring, darlin'." Logan's put his arms around Jean's waist and pulled her tight against him.   
  
Jean sighed and made a vague attempt at humor, "You sure I don't have the willpower?"  
  
"To make it ring, maybe," he allowed. "But you don't just want a dialtone."  
  
Her entire form seemed to sag as she leaned back against her husband. "No, I don't."  
  
"He'll call when he's ready."  
  
"What if he never is?" Logan's silence seemed an oddly fitting response and Jean sighed again.  
  
So maybe you were right, and maybe I've been wrong  
Why did I have to go, and wait it out so long?  
But I didn't mean to hurt you-if only you could feel my pain...  
  
"Jean, I know you want to speak with Scott, but it isn't something you can force or predict," Professor Xavier advised his former student gently as they sat together in his office.  
  
"You sound like Logan."  
  
"Then Logan is far more insightful than we give him credit for," Xavier returned with a smile. "You should listen to him."  
  
"I have. I do. Hell, I know the same thing if I'm honest with myself. I just don't want to know it. I want to think he'll call. It's just been so long..."  
  
"You miss him."  
  
Jean nodded and her voice was thick with unshed tears when she said, "Yes."  
  
The professor sighed. "Do you really think he can go the rest of his life without ever talking to you again? Honestly?"  
  
There was a moment of silence. "Honestly? No. But my imagination doesn't care all that much for reality sometimes."   
  
"Nor does anyone's. Just try to hold on to a little faith."  
  
"I don't think I'd still be sane if I hadn't, Professor." Jean smiled sadly and walked out of the office.  
  
Now I can't speak for you, but I wish you'd talk to me  
How difficult can this one conversation be?   



	14. Everywhere 1.2

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Everywhere 1.3  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who wants it, anyone who already has it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. I also don't own "Everywhere" by Tim McGraw.  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott tries to move on with his life.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com unless you want these to get even MORE depressing  
Notes: Yeah, I know, that summary describes half the series. So sue me!  
  
...Ever since you said good-bye  
I've been out here on the wind,  
And, baby, you would be surprised  
All the places you have been.  
  
Scott stared hard at the road. It had been five years since the airport. Ten years since he left the school. //Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.// The hurt had faded some over the years, certainly. Scott probed his own emotions. The wounds weren't so fresh. He could think of Jean without breaking down sobbing.  
  
"Could you write when you get there? Or call? I don't want to... I'd like to stay in touch."  
  
He hadn't, of course. //Left her in the lurch. What the fuck did I do that for... some kind of revenge?// He didn't like pondering what twisted part of himself had decided that trying to forget Jean was a good idea. //It isn't fucking going to happen.//  
  
The lines on the road blurred. The states blurred. Everything looked the same, even when it was different. None of it mattered. Scott had decided long ago that he preferred his memories to the life he was leading. //Better a few lost happy memories than a depressing future I can recall every damn painful minute of.//  
  
I hear you're doin' fine  
...Got a man that's home every night  
A couple of kids and the kind of life  
That you want to lead.  
Guess you could say the same for me,  
But you and I made our choices  
All those years ago  
Still I know I'll hear your voice  
And see you down the road.  
  
"Ro?" There was silence and Scott said again, "Ro? You there?"  
  
"I-I'm here," the woman stammered, normally calm voice flustered. "Good God, Scott, where are you?"  
  
"Somewhere in Ohio. But that's not why I called. I-"  
  
"You want to know how Jean is."  
  
It was Scott's turn for a moment of stunned silence. He sighed into the motel's tinny-sounding phone. "Yeah."  
  
"She's good, Scott. Do you want to know everything?"  
  
"I... yes, I do."  
  
"You know that she and Logan were married?" Ororo's voice was quiet and gentle, soothing even on the cheap phone.  
  
"I know."  
  
"They..." she paused, clearing her throat. "They have two children."  
  
"Two... Oh."  
  
"Nathaniel and Sarah."   
  
Scott knew Jean had chosen the boy's name. They had talked about having kids someday. //What's the song say? "Someday never comes"?// "How old?"  
  
"Nate is five and Sarah is two."  
  
//Five. God, she might have been pregnant when I saw her.// "And they're happy?"  
  
"Very happy, yes."  
  
"Good."  
  
A beat. "Are you coming back?"  
  
"No." Scott felt tears welling in his eyes. "I can't, Ro. Not anymore. It's too damn late."  
  
"I know."  
  
He nodded and felt the tears spill over onto his cheeks. "Don't tell... just..."  
  
"I won't tell anyone you called."  
  
"Thanks, Ro." Scott hung up the phone quickly and covered his face with his hands, shoulders shaking with sobs.   
  
You're on every highway just beyond the high-beams,  
Right beside me in all of my sweet dreams.  
No matter where you choose to be,  
In my heart I'll always see you...  
  
In Albuquerque waitin' out a blizzard  
Arizona dancin' 'cross the desert  
Watchin' the sun set in Monterey  
Girl, I swear, just the other day you were  
Down in Georgia pickin' them peaches  
Carolina barefoot on the beaches  
No matter where you choose to be,  
In my heart I'll always see you  
Everywhere.  
  
Scott turned out of the motel's driveway and onto the road again. Some demonic voice urged him to go back, telling him it wasn't too late, that there was still a place for him in the only place he'd ever called home. //But there isn't. It's not home anymore. Not for me.//  
  
He groaned at his own lack of self-control when he felt tears threatening again. //No more tears. If you've got to fucking remember, remember. Stop thinking about how much everything hurts now.//   
  
Jean had been with him when he left. She stayed with him down every road and through every city. Scott had forced himself long ago to accept that he couldn't be with her, but he refused to let go of her ghost. //Nobody can make me give her up. Not even me,// Scott swore silently as he turned toward Texas again. //What the Hell. It's where I told her I'd be. At least we'll have that much.//   
  
He almost smiled as he pushed the car a bit faster, but it was a bitter smile. Wherever Scott went, he planned on keeping his memories close to his heart. //They're all I have left.//   



	15. Lonely 1.3

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Lonely 1.3  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men or the song "Violet" by Savage Garden  
'Ship: Scott/other, mention of Logan/Jean  
Classification: general  
Summary: Scott finally finds someone who could help him move on.  
Rating: PG-13  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: The graphic for this story can be found at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/lonely13.html   
  
If there's a way to infiltrate you  
Sway your mind and complicate you  
I'm gonna crash into your world  
And that's no lie  
  
Contemplate jealousy intermixed with urgency  
A million things take a damned good shot at you and me  
  
In a way, we're the same two people looking out to sea  
For a wave that would carry all our fantasies  
  
Scott stared at the pictures in his hands with tears in his eyes. The first showed Jean holding a young girl. Both were smiling, and the girl--Sarah--was waving at the camera. She had dark hair and her mother's eyes. The next again showed Jean holding the little girl and Logan crouched beside her, one arm around Jean's shoulder and one holding a young boy--Nathaniel. The images blurred in Scott's vision until he finally closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  
  
"Friends of yours?" Scott's eyes flew open and he looked up to see the bookstore's newest clerk standing over him, smiling. She pushed a strand of long brown hair behind one ear and cocked her head to one side. "You still with us, Scott? Can't expect us to function without our fearless manager, can you?"  
  
He allowed himself a smile and put the pictures back in his wallet. "No, sure can't. Especially not you. You'd probably burn the store down."  
  
Violet laughed and then pretended to give Scott a dirty look. "Hey, I'm not //that// bad. Most of the time."  
  
"Mmm-hmm."  
  
"You can't tell me you haven't shorted out a computer or two in your time."  
  
Holding his hands up in mock surrender, Scott allowed, "Alright, maybe a couple. But they started it."  
  
"Sure they did." Violet glanced at the wallet Scott had yet to return to his pocket but didn't ask again about the pictures. "You know it's time to close now, right? And do I get overtime for making you smile? You're probably the hardest sell I've had all day."  
  
"Hey, I'm not //that// bad," Scott echoed, rising to close down the computers and ready the store for another night of dormancy.   
  
"Yes you are. You lack fun in your life, mister."  
  
"That so?"  
  
Violet nodded firmly. "Absolutely."  
  
"I take it you have some idea as to how I can redeem myself?"  
  
A smile crept across her delicate features and her pale blue eyes sparkled. "Now that you mention it... You could agree to go out with me sometime."  
  
"That probably wouldn't be appropriate. I mean, I'm your manag-"  
  
"Live a little. Besides, //I// asked you. That should take the weight off, right?"  
  
Scott smiled. "I suppose so. And you're not going to let me off the hook until I say yes either, are you?"  
  
"Nope, not a chance, boss-man."  
  
"In that case... it sounds like fun," Scott agreed.   
  
"After work tomorrow, then. And we're not going anyplace nice," Violet called over her shoulder as she exited the shop. "Wear jeans."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"Ready?"   
  
Violet's smile was infectious, and Scott found himself grinning back. //When was the last time you smiled and really meant it?// "Ready."  
  
"Good." Violet grabbed his hand and all but pulled him away from the desk and out of the door, waiting while he locked the door. "You're going to enjoy yourself. You need it." She laced her arm through his. "You have too nice a smile to go around frowning so much."  
  
Scott's expression sobered a little. "There's just a lot-"  
  
"We've all had a lot of that, Scotty. You've just got to remember that no matter how bad the past is, the future is yours. You can make it better."  
  
"That so?" Scott asked, good humor returning as he looked at the beautiful woman at his side. It had been so long since he felt at all attracted to anyone that the sensation was almost foreign. //And why not? She's sweet. You need someone to talk to again. It's been so long...//  
  
"Yep. And there's a carnival in your future, so get ready for too much sugar and lots of tacky colors."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"I had a great time," Scott told Violet sincerely as they approached her apartment.   
  
She grinned, hugging the large pink teddy bear he'd won her under one arm. "I told you you'd have fun. This is me," she said, pointing toward one of the first doors in the hallway. "So..."  
  
Scott could actually feel himself blushing. //God, Summers, how old are you anyway? It's the end of a date. Remember what usually happens then?// He smiled a bit self-consciously. "Sorry. I'm... it's been a long time since-"  
  
Before he could say anything else, Violet wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and pulled him toward her. "You think too much," she whispered before pressing her lips to his. Scott's brain took several moments to process the fact that they were kissing. When it finally did, his arms slid around her, fingers of one hand threading through her dark hair. After a few minutes, they slowly parted. "For someone who's supposed to be out of practice, you're awfully good at that."  
  
Blushing again, Scott smiled. "Not so bad yourself."  
  
Violet looked suddenly more serious. "Look... I know it's only been the one date and that it's no big deal in and of itself, maybe, but I've been through a lot of weird, sucky relationships, and I don't feel like getting stepped on again. So... Do I have against her memory?"  
  
Scott frowned. "Whose memory?"  
  
She sighed and traced the line of his jaw with one finger. "Whoever broke your heart. You love her a lot, and I'm not trying to replace her. I just like you. I want to give us a shot. So do we have one?"  
  
"Yes." The answer came without hesitation, surprising even Scott. He smiled at Violet, suddenly realizing that he was ready. "We have a shot. I've... I'll always love Jean, but she's not part of my life anymore, just my past. I held on because I was too scared to try again. I... thought that if I did, I'd just get hurt again. I never understood why Jean didn't want me. I just assumed that anyone else would get tired of me too."  
  
Violet nodded her understanding, dark eyes shining in the dimly-lit hallway. "Seems to me you have enough layers to take quite a while just finding them all. I don't see me getting tired of you anytime soon."  
  
------------------------------  
  
Jean,  
  
I should have done this sooner, I know. It's been too long. Maybe you don't even want this now. I couldn't write sooner. I don't think my hand would have been able to hold the pen. I couldn't call. I wouldn't have been able to say anything.  
  
It's different now, and I guess this is going to sound abrupt and awkward. No getting around it. I'm married. She's beautiful. Not just on the outside. In that way, she's like you; what's inside is even more amazing than what's outside. If it weren't for her, I might not be writing. She yelled at me after I explained us to her. She told me I was an idiot for not contacting you.  
  
I couldn't disagree with her. I've missed you more than I ever thought I could miss anyone. I felt like a piece of me was missing. I still do, really. But I'm hoping we can start over as friends, be like we were before we were us.   
  
Ororo sent me pictures of the kids with you and Logan. They're adorable, Jean. The two of you are going to make amazing parents. I know it. I know how much you always wanted kids. I'm glad you have them now. Tell Logan he's a dick for me.  
  
Love,  
Scott  



	16. The End v2.0

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: The End v2.0  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me nicely for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html  
Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men or the song "In My Car" by Gin Blossoms. Don't sue, please! I don't have anything worth taking!  
'Ship: Logan/Jean  
Classification: gen/slight angst, maybe  
Summary: Scott returns to the school after three years.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@Yahoo.com if you really love me  
  
I miss her feel, her touch, her taste  
I feel the distance everyplace  
This distance can't be taken casually  
  
Scott Summers gripped the wheel of his new/old car, a small black model with only a few rust spots. It had been cheap enough to be within his budget and still had enough parts left to run, which was all he needed. He needed a way to get home.  
  
Almost three years had passed since he sped away from the school on his bike, which he'd eventually ended up stripping the turbo from and trading in. He looked out across the scenery, remembering a time when he could have told the exact distance from Xavier's School from almost any given point without a second's hesitation. //Now I can barely tell where I am.//  
  
The memory gaps were disturbing and comforting all at the same time. Scott wanted to be different when he walked in the door. He wanted people to see some sort of change in him. Mostly, he wanted to be near Jean again. //Logan might've gotten the girl, but I'll be damned if I spend another day without being near her,// Scott affirmed silently.  
  
"Just don't be too long," Logan had said when he caught Scott sneaking away in the middle of the night. //It's been way too long.// Living without Jean's love hurt enough. Living without her was even worse. //I need her, whether she needs me or not.// And no matter where he'd run, all he could feel was the lengthening miles between them and the weakening of their now-dissolved bond.   
  
Take my time just drive around  
I'm feeling lost in my hometown  
Every turn I take is comforting  
  
Scott had lunch at a small café in Westchester more as a reason to delay his arrival at the school than out of hunger. He picked half-heartedly at the food then left the waitress a five dollar tip for being so patient with his nervous terseness. //Not her fault my heart is beating so loud I can barely hear myself think.//   
  
Behind the wheel once again, Scott found the road to the school without thinking. //Guess I remember more than I figured.// It would have been easy to take the wrong turn on purpose and spend a little more time thinking, trying to plan what he would say to anyone and everyone when he walked in, but Scott knew that no amount of planning could help him anticipate what seeing Jean again might be like. He expected sadness, pain, anger, and exhilaration.   
  
The gates were open as usual and Scott parked near the front door, steeling himself-or trying to-before stepping outside the vehicle. His palms were sweating, and Scott felt as if his body was going to shake itself apart. //Get a grip, Summers!// He pulled a worn duffel bag from the back seat and ascended the steps.  
  
The door opened quietly. There was no one in the hall, and Scott had to fight a half-forgotten urge to send Jean a greeting through a bond that didn't exist. "Hello?" he called into the empty hallway.  
  
A form appeared at the end of the hall, and Scott knew instantly that it was Rogue by the long, white-streaked auburn hair. She looked entirely different otherwise. She wasn't a little girl anymore. Her face was slender and so was her form, more curvaceous by half than it had been when he left. "Mr. Summers?" she asked with a hesitant smile.  
  
"Hi, Rogue."  
  
The young woman smiled and held her arms out. "Miss us?"  
  
He pulled her into a quick hug, fighting back tears. There was something immensely comforting in Rogue's immediate acceptance. "Yes. More than you'll ever know."  
  
She stepped back and studied him. "Ya need to shave. Stubble just doesn't look right on ya," Rogue teased. Her dark eyes watched him for another breath. "Ya wanna see Dr. Grey?"  
  
Something in him was comforted that Jean's name hadn't changed. //At least they aren't married.// "I think so," he replied with a sheepish smile.   
  
Rogue linked her arm through his. "Too damn nervous. Ain't like ya at all. We're gonna have hell whippin' ya back into shape, aren't we?"  
  
"We?" Scott inquired cautiously.  
  
"The X-Men, silly. Ya didn't think ya'd come back and we'd let ya slack off, didja?" Rogue explained, voice carrying a note of reproach. "And 'we' are Jean, Ororo, Logan, Bobby, and me. That sound about right?"  
  
"That sounds great," Scott affirmed.  
  
"Here ya go." Rogue pointed into the TV room. Logan and Jean were sitting together on the couch, her legs swung over his lap as they talked quietly about something. "It ain't gonna get easier if ya wait," Rogue reminded Scott as she walked off in the opposite direction.  
  
Scott stepped into the room and the movement caught Logan's eye instantly. A smile spread across the other man's face. "About damn time," he complained lightly as Jean's head swung to face the same direction.  
  
"Scott!" She was up and in his arms what seemed like seconds later. They held each other for a few moments, then she pulled back, smiling. "Where have you been?"  
  
He swallowed, overwhelmed by her reception. "I... just... anywhere but here," he finally finished.  
  
Jean bit her lip. "Oh."   
  
Logan came to stand beside her, offering Scott his hand. "Find anything useful?"  
  
Scott took Logan's hand and shook it. "Not a damn thing," he replied honestly.  
  
Logan nodded. "Yep." His arm went around Jean's waist. "I could've told ya that much if you weren't so damn stubborn."  
  
"I wouldn't have believed you before," Scott reminded him.  
  
"Yeah. How 'bout now?"  
  
Scott surprised himself by smiling. "I believe you."  
  
Logan nodded again and Jean smiled. "You're staying?" she asked hopefully, gaze drifting to the duffel bag.  
  
"Yep. This is the only place worth being for me."  
  
"Besides," Logan added with one eyebrow arched, "if you try runnin' out again, I'll kill you myself."  
  
Jean laughed and swatted her lover's chest before turning back to Scott. "Welcome home."  
  
Slowly, a smile spread across his face. Things were different, but that didn't mean they couldn't still be good. "It's great to be here."  



	17. The End v3.0

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: The End v3.0  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who wants it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men and I don't own the song "The Lover After Me" by Savage Garden. Please don't sue!  
'Ship: mention of Logan/Jean and Scott/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott returns to Xavier's school.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: ALWAYS! Wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: A graphic can be found at http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/dfend3.html  
  
Here I go again; I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today.  
It's been seven months and counting  
You've moved on  
I still feel exactly the same.  
It's just that everywhere I go all the buildings know your name  
Like photographs and memories of love  
Steel and granite reminders  
The city calls your name and I can't move on.  
  
Scott stalked down another street in another city and let the bitter winter wind chill his skin. //Too damn bad it only numbs the outside,// he thought darkly, pulling his coat a little tighter. His skin was chapped from the wind. Walking outside made his body cold and almost unfeeling.  
  
His heart was an entirely different story. It seemed to Scott that with each turn he took, the world got darker and colder. //Because Jean isn't in it. At least not for me.// He thrust his hands deeper in his jean pockets and walked with his head down, against the wind.   
  
//Get it together, Summers. She's over it. You should be too.// Scott shivered, but the spasm had little to do with the weather. He was tired of the cold, of the loneliness, of living each day with no direction or purpose. He had walked away from everything that made life worth living.  
  
//I walked away from Jean.//   
  
Ever since you've been gone  
The lights go out the same  
The only difference is  
You call another name  
To your love  
To your lover now  
To your love  
The lover after me  
  
//And if you were there, you could--what? Watch her be with Logan? Feel it...// He shuddered, remembering the way he could feel Jean's emotions the first time she made love to Logan. //Talk about rubbing salt in a wound.// It hadn't been intentional, of course, and he supposed his misery had echoed back to her the way her joy had to him. But the echoes grew fainter every day. //Now I can't feel her if I try.//  
  
He wondered how the way Jean felt toward Logan compared to the way she had felt toward him. They had been friends for years before they were lovers. Scott knew Jean almost better than he knew himself. //I thought I did, anyway.//  
  
//Was that Logan's whole appeal? He was just... different? Something new?// Scott sighed and ducked into a nearby coffee shop to get warm, buying the cheapest stuff they had even though it earned him a scornful glare from the young waitress. He took the coffee with a brief thank you and sat down in the darkest corner the place had to offer. //Was I that boring or is he that exciting?// Scott sighed and downed almost half the blisteringly hot liquid. //This train of thought isn't doing a hell of a lot for my self-confidence.//  
  
Am I all alone in the universe?  
There's no love on these streets.  
I have given mine away to a world that didn't want it anyway.  
So this is my new freedom  
It's funny  
I don't remember being chained  
But nothing seems to make sense anymore  
Without you I'm always twenty minutes late.  
  
Alone again in the cockroach-infested dive Scott was temporarily calling home, the former leader of the X-Men tried to figure out why he'd ever thought he could leave. //Yeah, you can survive without Jean. Right. And you can also do without air and water. It'll work just great.//  
  
//Until you go completely insane.//  
  
Being alone wasn't fun. Scott hated trying to sleep without hearing Jean's breathing at his side. He hated waking up holding a pillow instead of her. //God, you're pitiful, Summers. Can't even function without her. Dammit.//  
  
Scott rose from the bed with a resolute scowl and grabbed a duffel bag, throwing his few possessions-at least the few he might need-inside. Fumbling with his wallet, he surmised that he had just enough money. //Fuck it. I'm going home.// Slamming the door shut behind him, Scott turned to the street and started waving his hand. Soon enough, a yellow taxi swerved to a halt in front of him. Scott piled into the backseat. "Where ya headed, buddy?" the greasy-looking driver asked without glancing back at his charge.  
  
"Westchester. Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we get there tonight."   
  
And time goes by so slowly  
The nights are cold and lonely  
I shouldn't be holding on  
But I'm still holding on for you.  
  
Here I go again  
I promised myself I wouldn't think of you today  
But I'm standing at your doorway  
I'm calling out your name because I can't move on.  
  
Scott was inside the mansion before he had time to think. He knew himself well enough to know that a second's hesitation would mean overanalyzing the situation and deciding to leave again. //And then I'd be right back where I started.// Taking a deep breath, he looked around. It seemed exactly the same. //It's only been seven months, moron. Of course it's the same.//   
  
He took another shaky breath and started up the stairs. He let his heart lead, let any coherent thought slip away. //Thinking is what got me into this damn mess.// He didn't pass anyone on the way-not that he'd expected to at four in the morning-and was glad for it.   
  
The door looked the same. //Our room.// He knew better, of course. He knew it was no longer "our room." //Their room,// he corrected, a sudden pang echoing through his being.   
  
Three gentle knocks later, Jean appeared. Her hair was mussed from sleep, eyes bleary. She wore a plain white cotton gown and had a fuzzy blue robe clutched together in front of her. Then her eyes went wide and became clear. "Scott!"  
  
He managed a weak smile. "Hey."  
  
"You're here!" Jean blinked a couple of times and then asked, "When did you get here?"  
  
"Just now. I came straight here. I just... I..." Scott suddenly realized that all his focus on being impulsive had left even him at a loss in regard to his motives. "I guess I just needed to see you."  
  
She smiled. "I'm glad." She let another moment pass and then said, "How about breakfast?"  
  
Scott gave her a genuine smile then. "Sure. I'll find a room and then meet you in the kitchen."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Okay."  
  
As he turned, Jean called after him, "Scott?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I missed you."  
  
His smile faded a little. "I missed you too."  



	18. Letting Go 3.1

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Letting Go 3.1  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who asks me for it, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj/xfic.html [my site]  
Disclaimer: I don't own Logan or Scott or Jean or the X-Men or the song "Just to See You Smile" by Tim McGraw.  
'Ship: Scott/Jean, Logan/Jean  
Classification: angst  
Summary: Scott's return could change Logan and Jean's relationship forever.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: none  
Feedback: If you love me! to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
  
When you said time was all you really needed,  
I walked away and let you have your space  
'Cause leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly  
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face.  
  
I didn't expect to come down to breakfast and find the woman I love talking to the man she'd left to be with me. I especially didn't expect to see her smiling like I hadn't seen her smile in forever and laughing at some joke I'd never be a part of.   
  
I left the room, left them alone. They have things to work out, I told myself, lots of old ground to cover. They need to find a new place to start, maybe.  
  
I eventually went back to Jean's room and found her inside crying. Crying. I hadn't seen her cry since Scott left that first time. "Logan…"  
  
"Jeannie, you okay?" I was at her side with my arm around her shoulders before I gave it a second thought.  
  
"No. Yes. Logan…" Like somebody had punched me in the gut, I felt what she wanted even before she could form the words. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill Scott. I just sat there and listened. "I need to… to think… It's just so… please…"  
  
"That's okay, darlin'. I understand." I didn't really, though. She'd picked me. My mind protested that she couldn't change her mind now, couldn't take back the time we'd spent together, the love I thought we shared. "You take all the time you need." I smiled at her--or at least tried to--and walked out.   
  
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted  
When you came walkin' up to me with him,  
So I told you that I was happy for you  
And given the chance I'd lie again.  
  
Then there they were, walking down the hall a few days later. Scott had his arm around her waist, and I knew what it feels like to feel your heart stop. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to move or speak or, hell, even breathe ever again. Then I saw Jean smiling. She was happy. That's what I wanted. I wanted her to be happy.  
  
So I stepped out of the shadows and I told her I was glad she was happy. I don't think I sounded too bitter. I shook Scott's hand, and he looked so relieved I'm surprised he didn't pass out. "Take good care of her or I'll kill you." He knew I meant it. She knows I love her.  
  
I walked away again. My muscles were screaming at me to stay, my heart was breaking, and my mind's never been so damn loud, but I walked away and left them together just because Jean was happy. Because he made her smile.  
  
Just to see you smile  
I'd do anything that you wanted me to.  
When all is said and done,  
I'd never count the cost  
It's worth all that's lost  
Just to see you smile.  
  
  
  



	19. Reunion 3.2

Author: Elizabeth Wilde  
Title: Reunion 3.2  
Series: Driving Force  
Distribution: Anyone who has my fic, anyone who wants it and asks, http://www.geocities.com/aloysiusj [my site]  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the X-Men characters or the song "Least Complicated" by Indigo Girls.  
'Ship: Scott/Jean  
Classification: general  
Summary: Scott and Jean work out their differences.  
Rating: PG  
Spoilers: not really  
Feedback: to wilde_moon@yahoo.com  
Notes: You can see the title graphic for this story at http://www.geocities.com/aloysisusj/fic/reunion.html  
  
"A fresh start?"  
  
"Yes. That's the only way it'll work, isn't it? We can't let the past control our future. Maybe that's why we didn't work the first time. We held on too long just because we'd been together through so much."  
  
"Maybe. Maybe I'm just an idiot."  
  
"Don't joke about that, Jean. You're brilliant."  
  
"That doesn't mean I can't make mistakes."  
  
"We all make mistakes."  
  
~So long ago when we were taught  
That for whatever kind of puzzle you got  
You just stick the right formula in  
A solution for every fool.~  
  
The first time I saw Scott, I had just arrived at the school. I looked up into the second story window and saw him watching me. Not alone, of course. Hank and Warren were with him. But it was Scott I couldn't take my eyes off of. I watched him until I was led inside the mansion and still the image of the handsome young man with red sunglasses followed me.  
  
We were both too shy and too nervous to speak to each other as anything but friends, teammates. It was silly and ridiculous. Every time I saw Scott, my stomach felt like it had those stupid cartoon butterflies in it. I'm surprised there weren't any of those silly hearts appearing above my head. Warren and I dated for awhile, but it never meant much more than a little fun. We finally admitted it was just friendship and went our separate ways. I sometimes wonder if Scott was ever jealous about it. I kept meaning to ask and never did.  
  
Then we finally found each other. There came a point where denying our attraction, our connection, was ridiculous. There was no point in it. So we gave in. We dated. We fell even deeper in love than we already were. Scott was everything to me. Is everything.   
  
~I remember the time when I came so close with you  
I let everything go it seemed the only truth  
And I bought you that ring, it seemed the thing to do.  
What makes me think I could start clean-slated  
The hardest to learn was the least complicated.~  
  
The day Jean agreed to marry me was without question the most amazing day of my life. She blushed and I stuttered and we kissed until we couldn't catch our breath, then we fell over laughing. Naturally, the first thing after that was finding the professor and telling him. Without Charles, I might never have even come up with the courage to ask Jean out.   
  
I still remember seeing his eyes light up, though he suspected such a move was coming. I shook his hand, and he kissed Jean's cheek, and we all sat around and talked about nothing in particular for hours. Everything that had ever been wrong with my life didn't matter. I felt Jean holding my hand, and nothing else could matter. We were together. Always.  
  
Forever doesn't last as long as it used to.   
  
We weren't ready, I don't suppose. We loved each other. I worshipped her. But I was also young. In the movies when people are in love, they get married. I swear, even if they're only twelve, in the movies, they get married. So I bought Jean a ring and I asked her to marry me and everything seemed right.  
  
Beneath the surface, we were both slowly crawling out of our skin. She never realized all the things she hadn't done until she thought she couldn't do them. I never realized how inexperienced I was when it came to real commitment. My previous relationships had been brief. Fun, but brief. Intense, but short-lived. With Jean, there was the intensity, the excitement, and something deeper that was so pure and beautiful that it scared the hell out of me.  
  
~I'm just a mirror of a mirror myself  
All the things that I do,  
And the next time I fall, I'm gonna have to recall  
It isn't love it's only something new.~  
  
"I'd forgive you anything."  
  
"That's a pretty tall order, Scott."  
  
"Just make sure the next time you pick a guy I could beat up."  
  
"That's not funny!"  
  
"It doesn't have to be. C'mere. I just want to hold you."  
  
"Not gonna argue with that."  
  
"I love you, Jean."  
  
"I love you too, Scott."  



End file.
